You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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