I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
