First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
