Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
