Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
