I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
