today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
