I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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