Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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