True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
