I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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