we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
