I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This baby is an asshole
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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