Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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