I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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