I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
