but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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