remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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