If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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