Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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