My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
