I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
