Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
