but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
