some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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