I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize