Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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