the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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