I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
