My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
