Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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