Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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