The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
