Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
