Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
