You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
