Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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