She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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