i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
