I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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