I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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