i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
