I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
