The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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