Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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