I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
