man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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