My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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