It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
