Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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