I can text with my tongue
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
