I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
