I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
