omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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