our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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