i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
