between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize